No hoopla, no special plans, no nothing. I was expecting just to get up and go to work as it was any other day. Unfortunately someone had other plans....I just couldn't get it together. From this year forward, I think I just need to set this day aside and do something special and take the time.
This year is the fifth anniversary of Lucas' passing, and it hit hard. Tears kept coming, and thoughts of him and that whole experience kept flowing through my head. Ed and I had a long talk about Lucas this morning. Although I would like to think that Lucas would have been starting Kindergarten this year, I know the truth of the matter is that he probably wouldn't have been. We will never know the issues he would have had. He had physical issues to overcome, but the other issues we will never know.
I know he is in a better place and he was too pure to walk on this earth. I know that it is just my selfishness that I wish he was here, with us! It doesn't make the loss any less real or hurt any less. A part of my heart has died and I always feel it so much more on this day than any other day of the year.
I miss you, Lucas and your mommy loves you very much! Always and Forever....
Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face. I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair, you died too young. Like the story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away. God knows how much I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. And sometimes I wonder...Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you and I know it might sound crazy.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, is I know I'll see you again some day!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
August 1st, 2009
Oh the bittersweet smell of August...I love August, but isn't it also ironic, that it is my worst month as well...how does that work? We celebrated Ed's birthday last weekend, since Bodie's birthday party was today, on Ed's birthday. Then there is Bodie's birthday...his party is done, but it wasn't without drama. The pool area that we had reserved was under major construction, and the complex hadn't even let us know. Thankfully we found out about it, and we were able to have the party at the big pool. The party went fairly smoothly and Bodie had a blast with his friends and family. Tuesday is B's actual birthday and so we will do something special that day as well. I am planning on bringing cupcakes to his class, so he will enjoy that. He did tell me that he wanted a Limo to come and get him...Uhm, NO. Then after that, we have the fifth anniversary of Lucas's passing. Five years...it is here, and at some points can't believe it has been five years...feels like just yesterday, and at other times, it seems surreal and forever ago. I am hoping that we can do something special that day. Maybe Ed and I can go and see the tree in Placerville and take some updated pictures. It has been at least a year, if not two, since we saw it. I bet it has grown so much and providing shade to women in need. That brings me great satisfaction knowing that Lucas' tree is there, with his name at the base. Which reminds me, I guess I should call and see if we can come up and see it. I wonder if we can see it from the street by now? hhmm, doubt it. It was pretty scrawny the last time we were there. I look forward to the time when I can drive through town and see it towering up over the building.
Well, this week started my somewhat unexplainable moodiness, withdrawal from people, and overall depression. I am sure by the end of August, these feelings will fade, as they often do. Maybe this will be the first year that I won't have to make a visit to the therapist. I can do this, it just takes time. But Ed and I have a lot on our plates over the next 6 months, and lots of plans that we have to make decisions on and set in motion. So for now, I just need to hang in there and live by what I know is right. I will never get over Lucas, just learn new ways to live with it.
Oh yes, August....bring it on!
Well, this week started my somewhat unexplainable moodiness, withdrawal from people, and overall depression. I am sure by the end of August, these feelings will fade, as they often do. Maybe this will be the first year that I won't have to make a visit to the therapist. I can do this, it just takes time. But Ed and I have a lot on our plates over the next 6 months, and lots of plans that we have to make decisions on and set in motion. So for now, I just need to hang in there and live by what I know is right. I will never get over Lucas, just learn new ways to live with it.
Oh yes, August....bring it on!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
March For Babies and Bodie's Sick
~Fifth Year of Troop Lucas~
This is the fifth year of walking on behalf of Troop Lucas. This has just been an unbelievable journey. Ed and I always comment that it just seems that every year there are more and more people walking because they are affected by prematurity and loss. It is truly moving to walk with all of the families, knowing that we have at least one thing in common. The start to a 'wonderful'" weekend:
Bodie came home sick on Friday, tossing his cookies. We spent most of Friday caring for one very sick little boy. He only wanted his mommy, and to tell you the truth, I wanted my mommy! It just tears my heart out when he is this sick...thankfully this has happened very few times in the last 2 1/2 years of his life! I was up some of the night with him, although once he got in our bed, he slept most of the night.
Saturday morning he still had a small fever, but was hanging in there, so we took him to the March of Dimes walk. We weren't sure how he would handle it, but he was a true champ! We did have to call the doctor on the way home to make sure we were on the right path since we weren't sure if Bodie had cramps or couldn't pee...sure enough it was just cramps, but still, our little one was uncomfortable towards the end of the walk. He couldn't wait until we got home. We didn't even get out of Sacramento before Bodie was asleep. He slept on and off all day Saturday.
Sunday morning he is back to his normal self, and now I wonder why we thought yesterday was so bad. He was sleeping a lot and really quiet! Yes, right now, we are wishing for that little boy back! We are getting ready for our vacation and can't wait for that. It won't get here soon enough!
Bodie came home sick on Friday, tossing his cookies. We spent most of Friday caring for one very sick little boy. He only wanted his mommy, and to tell you the truth, I wanted my mommy! It just tears my heart out when he is this sick...thankfully this has happened very few times in the last 2 1/2 years of his life! I was up some of the night with him, although once he got in our bed, he slept most of the night.
Saturday morning he still had a small fever, but was hanging in there, so we took him to the March of Dimes walk. We weren't sure how he would handle it, but he was a true champ! We did have to call the doctor on the way home to make sure we were on the right path since we weren't sure if Bodie had cramps or couldn't pee...sure enough it was just cramps, but still, our little one was uncomfortable towards the end of the walk. He couldn't wait until we got home. We didn't even get out of Sacramento before Bodie was asleep. He slept on and off all day Saturday.
Sunday morning he is back to his normal self, and now I wonder why we thought yesterday was so bad. He was sleeping a lot and really quiet! Yes, right now, we are wishing for that little boy back! We are getting ready for our vacation and can't wait for that. It won't get here soon enough!
Ed, Bodie, Sandra, Aaron, Amber, Tristan, Jolene & Marcie
My silly friend Sandra!
Fourth Year of March for Babies
Saturday, April 25th: We walked our fourth March for Babies. We were able to walk the 6 miles in 2.5 hours, and were surrounded by some good friends. Amber and her family joined us, as well as my mother in law and my good friend Sandra. The 'usual gang' (the Quades) had some health issues this year and were physically unable to walk with us. We missed them so much!!!!
Bodie was sick, but he had stopped throwing up the day before, so we decided to take him with us. He did great, except near the end of the walk, he was done. So we headed home right after finishing. We couldn't believe the number of people and tents this year. It seems like the walk gets bigger every year, and more and more people are affected by prematurity and birth defects. We all are lucky that the March of Dimes exists! I am looking forward to November when the "Best of Sacramento" auction and night out come to town. I have missed it the last couple of years, but I want to go this year. I am determined!!!! So anyone who wants to go...let me know! All the proceeds go to the March Of Dimes, and it is a great way to taste some great food, drink some great wine, and listen to some great music, along with some other great things!
We, as a team, this year raised over $300...in this economy, not too bad! It was a great day to remember our little boy and honor him!
As a side note, this is the second year that we also walked for Trevor Kott...a great little boy who lost his fight to cancer. He actually passed away on April 25th, 2007, so we had him in our thoughts that day as well!!!
Bodie was sick, but he had stopped throwing up the day before, so we decided to take him with us. He did great, except near the end of the walk, he was done. So we headed home right after finishing. We couldn't believe the number of people and tents this year. It seems like the walk gets bigger every year, and more and more people are affected by prematurity and birth defects. We all are lucky that the March of Dimes exists! I am looking forward to November when the "Best of Sacramento" auction and night out come to town. I have missed it the last couple of years, but I want to go this year. I am determined!!!! So anyone who wants to go...let me know! All the proceeds go to the March Of Dimes, and it is a great way to taste some great food, drink some great wine, and listen to some great music, along with some other great things!
We, as a team, this year raised over $300...in this economy, not too bad! It was a great day to remember our little boy and honor him!
As a side note, this is the second year that we also walked for Trevor Kott...a great little boy who lost his fight to cancer. He actually passed away on April 25th, 2007, so we had him in our thoughts that day as well!!!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
April 5, 2009
As the summer approaches, it brings up a lot of milestones. I will be turning 35, Ed will be 34, Bodie will be 3...wow, where did the time go. We also will be in the fifth year of Lucas' passing. Five years..wow, sometimes it feels like just yesterday! The emotions are still raw, but at the same time, I can talk about Lucas until I am blue in the face. This will be the fourth anniversary of our first March For Babies (formerly Walk America) for the March of Dimes. I am so happy that we have been able to create Troop Lucas, and raise some much needed funds! Beyond the money, is the group of people that walk with us. They are so supportive and are such great people. For me, I know that no one can understand what we have been through. Even Ed and I had different experiences. Each loss is different for each person. I still miss Lucas to this day, and some of my emotions get the best of me as the anniversary gets closer.
Like I tell myself and I have learned...you don't get over it. You just learn to live with it.
Like I tell myself and I have learned...you don't get over it. You just learn to live with it.
2007 Compilation
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Lucas' brother is 10 months old, and I still can't believe it. It will be three years in August since we lost our first son, and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of him! He will always be our first!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Today is your brother's first birthday. I can't believe...where did the year go? In a couple of weeks, you would have been three years old. I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and other times it feels like years ago. I miss you everyday...and think of you all the time. You have changed and affected our lives forever.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Today was a big day for our family. We defrosted the four remaining embryos, and transferred the three surviving ones. One of the three is the chicsicle that was left from the very first attempt. So this weekend I am hanging out at home. Ed took B down to visit Grandma, so I can have some peace and quiet. It is exciting to know that we might have another little one in the house soon! B will be 2 years old, or almost 2 years old, when this one comes, so that will be a nice age difference. So for now, we are keeping our fingers crossed. If this doesn't work, we are done having kids. We have been so blessed with Bodie and he has been everything we could ever dream of.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I am thinking more and more of getting a tattoo for Lucas! My baby boy is in my thoughts everyday. There isn't a day that I don't think about him, and so I would love to get his hand or foot print. We'll see. When/if I do, I will post a picture here.
Lucas' brother is 10 months old, and I still can't believe it. It will be three years in August since we lost our first son, and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of him! He will always be our first!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Today is your brother's first birthday. I can't believe...where did the year go? In a couple of weeks, you would have been three years old. I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and other times it feels like years ago. I miss you everyday...and think of you all the time. You have changed and affected our lives forever.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Today was a big day for our family. We defrosted the four remaining embryos, and transferred the three surviving ones. One of the three is the chicsicle that was left from the very first attempt. So this weekend I am hanging out at home. Ed took B down to visit Grandma, so I can have some peace and quiet. It is exciting to know that we might have another little one in the house soon! B will be 2 years old, or almost 2 years old, when this one comes, so that will be a nice age difference. So for now, we are keeping our fingers crossed. If this doesn't work, we are done having kids. We have been so blessed with Bodie and he has been everything we could ever dream of.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I am thinking more and more of getting a tattoo for Lucas! My baby boy is in my thoughts everyday. There isn't a day that I don't think about him, and so I would love to get his hand or foot print. We'll see. When/if I do, I will post a picture here.
March 28, 2007
In a few days, Lucas' little brother will be 8 months. I can't believe that he is closer to being a year old, than he is to hirth. Wow, did the 8 months go by fast. We finally decided to have another little one...at least we are going to try. Hopefully as it gets closer to the end of the year. We'll see. I still have lots of weight to lose first. Bodie loves his daddy's tattoo of Lucas' footprints. Pretty cool.
January 20, 2007
Bodie is almost 6 months old! I can't believe that it has been over 2 years since we lost our little boy, and now we have Bodie. There is no one that could take the place of Lucas! Bodie is a complete joy and I can tell that Lucas is watching over him!!!
August 4, 2006
Lucas finally has a baby brother! Bodie Joseph arrived at 8:29pm on 8/4/06 at 7lbs 1 oz. He had to stay in the hospital for 5 days since he was early, but he is doing great now.
July 18, 2006
So far, everything is progressing well with Lucas' little brother. Bodie has decided that head down is the position for him, and because of that, I am on modified bed rest. I started having contractions on Saturday, so today we are going to visit Doctor C, and possibly go to the hospital. So we'll see. Keeping our fingers crossed that Bodie comes a little early, but not at 34 weeks!!! I am just happy that we are passed the 30 week mark! Lucas you are not being replaced.
May 19, 2006
Lucas' brother is doing so well. He is so incredibly active, which I wouldn't want it any other way. I wish he would move 24 hours a day, so that I would feel better as we get closer to 30 weeks. The swelling has started in my legs, but thankfully within a couple of days, and within careful actions, I can get rid of it. Two weeks before my parents get here! I can't wait!!!
March 20, 2006
I am 16 1/2 weeks pregnant, and doing well so far. Lucas is going to have a baby brother, Bodie, due August 30th. The pregnancy is going fairly smoothly. I had to have an amnio, which went well, just waiting on the results from that. We have had one little scare so far. I had some pressure low on my abdomen, but we went to the drs and had it checked out, and everything is fine. Bodie is very active, and I can feel him sometimes, so that helps me a lot! I know that Lucas is watching over Bodie, to make sure everything is okay. Thanks Lucas!!! Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you very much!
January 13, 2006
It is official. I am 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Ed and I are excited, and we hope this pregnancy is surprise-free. So far so good, with only one, and the pregnancy is going smoothly other than some morning sickness, although it doesn't happen always in the morning! but still happy nonetheless.
November 13, 2005
We are starting a new IVF in December...hopefully it goes smoothly. We start Lupron shots tomorrow, and then our first doctor's appointment is on Thanksgiving (the 24th of November), so it is going smoothly.
September 8, 2005
We have attempted two IVF's and have had two failures. The first one, we miscarried within the first couple of weeks, and the second attempt didn't even take. I contribute the second one to the stress I was under for work. We are hoping to try again soon!
August 18, 2005
Today we went to see the tree planted in Lucas' memory. It was just a skinny scrawny thing, but we took pictures, and sat by it for a little while. We also went through the memory box...ooh, a lot tougher than I though. I still can't write on this board without crying.
May 7, 2005
Tomorrow is Mothers Day and I am not looking forward to it...wish my baby boy was here to share it. Last year I was a mother-to-be and this year I am back to being a nobody.
March 3, 2005
Ed was diagnosed with a chromosomal translocation and so our child will be started in a petri dish. The drs are very aware now that it was very possible that Lucas had an unbalanced chromosomal translocation, and that had a part in his death. We need to prevent this from happening again to our next child, or we will never have a child that is born full term and healthy. So Invitro, with a new process called PGD is what we are going to have to do. It is amazing what science can do to help us!
January 1, 2005
Today is the start of a New Year, and I can't be any happier that it is here. It has been a very tough year. After trying for so long to have a baby, and then finally getting pregnant, and losing Lucas just 10 weeks too early. It is hard, and has been very hard. The depression has really gotten to me, and have had to seek counseling to get through it. Hopefully the new year will bring closure and peace to us.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
What an unbelievable time...a time when we should be preparing for his grand arrival. Looking forward to hearing his cry as he lay beside our bed, now all we have is a small urn beside our bed.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
August 17th I awoke early that morning with a feeling that something was just not right. I hadn't felt the baby really kick since Saturday night, and now it was Tuesday. I felt something on Sunday, like Lucas was stretching or something, but wasn't sure. Monday there was very minimal movement. So Tuesday morning we called the doctors office, and they told us to go straight to the hospital. Once at the hospital (around 915am) the nurses at the Birth Place were unable to find a heartbeat. The doctor called in an ultrasound machine, and after what seemed like forever, the doctor told us that our baby was dead. Of course, a high powered ultrasound machine and tech were brought in and they confirmed that although the heart was beating barely, the baby had passed away. Lucas had severe swelling around his heart, brain and stomach. We were given the choice to have an emergency c-section or give birth naturally. Our choice was to go naturally because even Ed and I could tell that the swelling was bad enough that Lucas would only suffer on machines if they did in fact try and save him. The doctor checked my cervix and I was already 2 cm dilated and I was having contractions on my own. My body was already trying to push the baby out. Once the nurse confirmed I was having contractions, I realized that I had been having them since Sunday night. They started me on pitocin around 1pm, and at 12:26am on August 18th, Edward Lucas Redmond was born a stillbirth. It was then that we and the doctor realized that Lucas had a cleft lip and palate. After an autopsy, the reasons for Lucas' death is still a mystery, although not all the tests have come back. So we sit and wait for any reason why our baby left us so early...Ed and I are searching for answers but also searching for peace. You never realize how painful losing a loved one is, but losing a child at 7 months is so heart-wrenching...there are just no words to describe the pain.
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