Troop Lucas Rides Again!

On April 24th, 2010, Troop Lucas walked their 6th March for Babies walk, on behalf of Lucas. It was a beautiful sunny day. We couldn't have asked for better weather. Ed's paternal side of the family (Linda, Laura, Kurt, Kelly and Logan) walked with us, along with a very close friend, Sandra and her family dog, Zeus. Last year I vowed that we would finish the walk before noon, and this year we finished the walk before 11am. Zeus, the 140+ lb mastif, got tired about half way through the walk. There were no volunteers for carrying the wee-lad, so Zeus got some well needed rest.

It is always so mesmerizing to see all the families touched by pre-term labor and infant loss. I saw one little girl who had a t-shirt on that said "I was 3lbs when I was born" and on the back it said "Look at me now". It was so great to see.

This year was especially touching for us. This was the first year that it seemed that Bodie understood (somewhat) what was going on. He has always asked about Ed's tattoo of Lucas' footprints, and we always tell him that they are his big brothers, who is an angel. So on our way to pick up Kelly and Logan Saturday morning, Bodie asked Ed where we were driving to. Ed told him that we were doing a special walk. Bodie immediately piped up and said "For my big brother right?" Ed looked at me and said "wow!". Later in the car, sitting next to his cousin, Logan, we heard Bodie explaining to Logan that we were going to a special walk for his big brother who got killed." I am pretty sure he thinks that Spiderman wasn't able to save his brother from Doctor Octopus. On the way home, he asked where his brother was and we told him he is an angel, up in heaven. The answer was good enough for him.

Troop Lucas raised approximately $500 this year. Way to go!!!

They boys relaxing in their wagon

The whole clan

Sandra, Kelly, Ed, Marcie, Linda, Linda, Kurt, Zeus, Bodie, Logan
and Jody (taking the pic)

Zeus and the boys

5th Anniversary

No hoopla, no special plans, no nothing. I was expecting just to get up and go to work as it was any other day. Unfortunately someone had other plans....I just couldn't get it together. From this year forward, I think I just need to set this day aside and do something special and take the time.
This year is the fifth anniversary of Lucas' passing, and it hit hard. Tears kept coming, and thoughts of him and that whole experience kept flowing through my head. Ed and I had a long talk about Lucas this morning. Although I would like to think that Lucas would have been starting Kindergarten this year, I know the truth of the matter is that he probably wouldn't have been. We will never know the issues he would have had. He had physical issues to overcome, but the other issues we will never know.
I know he is in a better place and he was too pure to walk on this earth. I know that it is just my selfishness that I wish he was here, with us! It doesn't make the loss any less real or hurt any less. A part of my heart has died and I always feel it so much more on this day than any other day of the year.
I miss you, Lucas and your mommy loves you very much! Always and Forever....

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face. I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair, you died too young. Like the story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away. God knows how much I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. And sometimes I wonder...Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you and I know it might sound crazy.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, is I know I'll see you again some day!

August 1st, 2009

Oh the bittersweet smell of August...I love August, but isn't it also ironic, that it is my worst month as well...how does that work? We celebrated Ed's birthday last weekend, since Bodie's birthday party was today, on Ed's birthday. Then there is Bodie's birthday...his party is done, but it wasn't without drama. The pool area that we had reserved was under major construction, and the complex hadn't even let us know. Thankfully we found out about it, and we were able to have the party at the big pool. The party went fairly smoothly and Bodie had a blast with his friends and family. Tuesday is B's actual birthday and so we will do something special that day as well. I am planning on bringing cupcakes to his class, so he will enjoy that. He did tell me that he wanted a Limo to come and get him...Uhm, NO. Then after that, we have the fifth anniversary of Lucas's passing. Five years...it is here, and at some points can't believe it has been five years...feels like just yesterday, and at other times, it seems surreal and forever ago. I am hoping that we can do something special that day. Maybe Ed and I can go and see the tree in Placerville and take some updated pictures. It has been at least a year, if not two, since we saw it. I bet it has grown so much and providing shade to women in need. That brings me great satisfaction knowing that Lucas' tree is there, with his name at the base. Which reminds me, I guess I should call and see if we can come up and see it. I wonder if we can see it from the street by now? hhmm, doubt it. It was pretty scrawny the last time we were there. I look forward to the time when I can drive through town and see it towering up over the building.
Well, this week started my somewhat unexplainable moodiness, withdrawal from people, and overall depression. I am sure by the end of August, these feelings will fade, as they often do. Maybe this will be the first year that I won't have to make a visit to the therapist. I can do this, it just takes time. But Ed and I have a lot on our plates over the next 6 months, and lots of plans that we have to make decisions on and set in motion. So for now, I just need to hang in there and live by what I know is right. I will never get over Lucas, just learn new ways to live with it.
Oh yes, August....bring it on!

March For Babies and Bodie's Sick

~Fifth Year of Troop Lucas~

This is the fifth year of walking on behalf of Troop Lucas. This has just been an unbelievable journey. Ed and I always comment that it just seems that every year there are more and more people walking because they are affected by prematurity and loss. It is truly moving to walk with all of the families, knowing that we have at least one thing in common.

The start to a 'wonderful'" weekend:
Bodie came home sick on Friday, tossing his cookies. We spent most of Friday caring for one very sick little boy. He only wanted his mommy, and to tell you the truth, I wanted my mommy! It just tears my heart out when he is this sick...thankfully this has happened very few times in the last 2 1/2 years of his life! I was up some of the night with him, although once he got in our bed, he slept most of the night.

Saturday morning he still had a small fever, but was hanging in there, so we took him to the March of Dimes walk. We weren't sure how he would handle it, but he was a true champ! We did have to call the doctor on the way home to make sure we were on the right path since we weren't sure if Bodie had cramps or couldn't pee...sure enough it was just cramps, but still, our little one was uncomfortable towards the end of the walk. He couldn't wait until we got home. We didn't even get out of Sacramento before Bodie was asleep. He slept on and off all day Saturday.

Sunday morning he is back to his normal self, and now I wonder why we thought yesterday was so bad. He was sleeping a lot and really quiet! Yes, right now, we are wishing for that little boy back! We are getting ready for our vacation and can't wait for that. It won't get here soon enough!

Ed, Bodie, Sandra, Aaron, Amber, Tristan, Jolene & Marcie
My silly friend Sandra!

Fourth Year of March for Babies

Saturday, April 25th: We walked our fourth March for Babies. We were able to walk the 6 miles in 2.5 hours, and were surrounded by some good friends. Amber and her family joined us, as well as my mother in law and my good friend Sandra. The 'usual gang' (the Quades) had some health issues this year and were physically unable to walk with us. We missed them so much!!!!
Bodie was sick, but he had stopped throwing up the day before, so we decided to take him with us. He did great, except near the end of the walk, he was done. So we headed home right after finishing. We couldn't believe the number of people and tents this year. It seems like the walk gets bigger every year, and more and more people are affected by prematurity and birth defects. We all are lucky that the March of Dimes exists! I am looking forward to November when the "Best of Sacramento" auction and night out come to town. I have missed it the last couple of years, but I want to go this year. I am determined!!!! So anyone who wants to go...let me know! All the proceeds go to the March Of Dimes, and it is a great way to taste some great food, drink some great wine, and listen to some great music, along with some other great things!

We, as a team, this year raised over $300...in this economy, not too bad! It was a great day to remember our little boy and honor him!
As a side note, this is the second year that we also walked for Trevor Kott...a great little boy who lost his fight to cancer. He actually passed away on April 25th, 2007, so we had him in our thoughts that day as well!!!

April 5, 2009

As the summer approaches, it brings up a lot of milestones. I will be turning 35, Ed will be 34, Bodie will be 3...wow, where did the time go. We also will be in the fifth year of Lucas' passing. Five years..wow, sometimes it feels like just yesterday! The emotions are still raw, but at the same time, I can talk about Lucas until I am blue in the face. This will be the fourth anniversary of our first March For Babies (formerly Walk America) for the March of Dimes. I am so happy that we have been able to create Troop Lucas, and raise some much needed funds! Beyond the money, is the group of people that walk with us. They are so supportive and are such great people. For me, I know that no one can understand what we have been through. Even Ed and I had different experiences. Each loss is different for each person. I still miss Lucas to this day, and some of my emotions get the best of me as the anniversary gets closer.
Like I tell myself and I have learned...you don't get over it. You just learn to live with it.

2007 Compilation

Thursday, June 07, 2007
Lucas' brother is 10 months old, and I still can't believe it. It will be three years in August since we lost our first son, and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of him! He will always be our first!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Today is your brother's first birthday. I can't believe...where did the year go? In a couple of weeks, you would have been three years old. I can't believe it. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and other times it feels like years ago. I miss you everyday...and think of you all the time. You have changed and affected our lives forever.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Today was a big day for our family. We defrosted the four remaining embryos, and transferred the three surviving ones. One of the three is the chicsicle that was left from the very first attempt. So this weekend I am hanging out at home. Ed took B down to visit Grandma, so I can have some peace and quiet. It is exciting to know that we might have another little one in the house soon! B will be 2 years old, or almost 2 years old, when this one comes, so that will be a nice age difference. So for now, we are keeping our fingers crossed. If this doesn't work, we are done having kids. We have been so blessed with Bodie and he has been everything we could ever dream of.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I am thinking more and more of getting a tattoo for Lucas! My baby boy is in my thoughts everyday. There isn't a day that I don't think about him, and so I would love to get his hand or foot print. We'll see. When/if I do, I will post a picture here.