5th Anniversary

No hoopla, no special plans, no nothing. I was expecting just to get up and go to work as it was any other day. Unfortunately someone had other plans....I just couldn't get it together. From this year forward, I think I just need to set this day aside and do something special and take the time.
This year is the fifth anniversary of Lucas' passing, and it hit hard. Tears kept coming, and thoughts of him and that whole experience kept flowing through my head. Ed and I had a long talk about Lucas this morning. Although I would like to think that Lucas would have been starting Kindergarten this year, I know the truth of the matter is that he probably wouldn't have been. We will never know the issues he would have had. He had physical issues to overcome, but the other issues we will never know.
I know he is in a better place and he was too pure to walk on this earth. I know that it is just my selfishness that I wish he was here, with us! It doesn't make the loss any less real or hurt any less. A part of my heart has died and I always feel it so much more on this day than any other day of the year.
I miss you, Lucas and your mommy loves you very much! Always and Forever....

Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I feel you everywhere I go. I see your smile, I see your face. I hear you laughin' in the rain. I still can't believe you're gone.
It ain't fair, you died too young. Like the story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away. God knows how much I miss you, all the hell that I've been through, Just knowin' no-one could take your place. And sometimes I wonder...Who'd you be today?
Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams? Settle down with a family, I wonder what would you name your babies? Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you and I know it might sound crazy.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, is I know I'll see you again some day!

August 1st, 2009

Oh the bittersweet smell of August...I love August, but isn't it also ironic, that it is my worst month as well...how does that work? We celebrated Ed's birthday last weekend, since Bodie's birthday party was today, on Ed's birthday. Then there is Bodie's birthday...his party is done, but it wasn't without drama. The pool area that we had reserved was under major construction, and the complex hadn't even let us know. Thankfully we found out about it, and we were able to have the party at the big pool. The party went fairly smoothly and Bodie had a blast with his friends and family. Tuesday is B's actual birthday and so we will do something special that day as well. I am planning on bringing cupcakes to his class, so he will enjoy that. He did tell me that he wanted a Limo to come and get him...Uhm, NO. Then after that, we have the fifth anniversary of Lucas's passing. Five years...it is here, and at some points can't believe it has been five years...feels like just yesterday, and at other times, it seems surreal and forever ago. I am hoping that we can do something special that day. Maybe Ed and I can go and see the tree in Placerville and take some updated pictures. It has been at least a year, if not two, since we saw it. I bet it has grown so much and providing shade to women in need. That brings me great satisfaction knowing that Lucas' tree is there, with his name at the base. Which reminds me, I guess I should call and see if we can come up and see it. I wonder if we can see it from the street by now? hhmm, doubt it. It was pretty scrawny the last time we were there. I look forward to the time when I can drive through town and see it towering up over the building.
Well, this week started my somewhat unexplainable moodiness, withdrawal from people, and overall depression. I am sure by the end of August, these feelings will fade, as they often do. Maybe this will be the first year that I won't have to make a visit to the therapist. I can do this, it just takes time. But Ed and I have a lot on our plates over the next 6 months, and lots of plans that we have to make decisions on and set in motion. So for now, I just need to hang in there and live by what I know is right. I will never get over Lucas, just learn new ways to live with it.
Oh yes, August....bring it on!